assuaging my american guilt

25 11 2009

The other day my mom asked me what time we should do our Thanksgiving festivities.  I say, Maybe three o’clock?  That way the kids are all lethargic from the tryptophan all evening and will chill out  instead of the normal screaming-heathen routine.  Then she tells me that the tryptophan thing has been scientifically proven to be false.  Turns out that we get all drowsy because we just ate 27 pounds of food.

First of all: whoa.  That study sounds like an excuse for some labcoat guys to overeat and lie around.  Do they really get paid to study that??  Those labcoat guys could be studying something useful, like sustainable agriculture or why Kirsten Dunst is a such a bad actress.

Secondly: not cool, labcoat guys, not cool — You just took away my foolproof excuse to be a total lazy fatass on Thanksgiving.

I mean sure, I’ll probably still do the total lazy fatass thing on Thanksgiving, but now I’ll feel (a very tiny bit) guilty about it.  Before, I had a scientific reason to be on the couch for nine hours at a stretch, and now all I can blame is my American upbringing!  Which, I am totally not bagging on American upbringings.  Well maybe a little but that does not mean I am not still totally in love with our lifestyle of excess.  Does it suck that there are millions of starving people in the world?  Yes.  But I can’t feel TOO guilty about it because I had no choice in where I was born.  I am the privileged sperm of a privileged sperm of a privilege sperm.  So:  A.) Not my fault, and  2.) Thanks Great Grandpa Seamus! Sorry the boat ride sucked!

But I digress.

Of course I am thankful we will have an assload of food to eat tomorrow, even if the food won’t drug my children to give me a couple hours of peace and quiet.  Maybe as a gesture of my sympathy for those who aren’t so lucky, I will roast a couple of the labcoat guys on a spit, box ’em up and send ’em over to the eternally starving millions.  If we did that with all the overpaid, useless people here in America, it would bring an end to world hunger!

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mid-term elections

8 11 2009

Look, I don’t want to get all political on you, but the state our of economy is pretty bad, no?  I think that is the one thing everyone can agree on right about now.  People have their different opinions on healthcare reform, Obama’s Nobel Prize win, and issues in the Middle East– but everyone can agree that we’re in a pretty rough recession.  Oh, we also do all agree that Kanye West is a jackass.

I’ve seen first-hand at least ten companies that were thriving eighteen months ago follow the economic spiral down, and then die.  I worked for one of them.  Wait, three of them.  Family members owned others.  Friends owned others.  We’ve all managed to stay above water so far but I feel like everyone is starting to get a little edgy and is wondering how much worse it can get and how fast it can get that way.  With that in mind, I think we need to find someone who can fix this.  Obviously our government is full of stupid ideas and is not making the situation any better.  So, I nominate the following people to fix our economy:

Knight Rider

Knight Rider

Because first of all, The Hoff can solve anything.  Secondly, because KITT needs to at least try since we gave GM all that bailout money just to have half their brands get dropped.

Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson

Really, do I have to go into why?  We can just use his brute strength to pummel the national debt down a few billion bucks.  Brains aren’t required.  We have intelligent people in positions of power now and nothing is getting done.

Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking

I mean, if this guy can’t fix it, we’re just fucked.  Maybe he specializes in theoretical physics and black holes or whatever, but damnit, if he can figure out the mass of things that haven’t yet been proven to exist, I am pretty sure he can find a way to create some jobs.

The A-Team

I Pity The Fool

I pity the fools who don’t think the A-Team can handle this situation.  These dudes are ex-military, man!  They would create a new economy out of rusted car parts, zip ties, and Ben Bernanke’s facial hair.  Or we could just give Mr. T’s bling to China to pay off some of what we owe them.