19 01 2010

I do this a lot: anthropomorphize things.  I’m not a people person, but I am a people person.  Know what I mean?

I name my iTunes playlists.  No, not names like “Late Eighties Hair Metal” or “Lesbo Rock” but names… like *”Chuck” and “Annie”.

(*Names have been changed to protect my playlists’ identity.)

Like I said, I’m not what you’d call a “people person”.  I don’t want to know many people, but my dear family and friends- the people I do know- mean the world to me.  I don’t get to see or talk to all of them as much as I’d like, so I group my playlists by their names; Musical avatars of my loved ones: iFriends.  I fill the list with songs that remind me of them.  Songs I know they’d like or songs that remind me of something we did together, or songs that evoke a feeling I felt about them.  Thousands of five minute tributes to the people I love.

I can put my iFriend in my pocket for a walk to the store, press that right-pointing arrow and begin a conversation with them.  I am walking, head down, hands in my pockets and my iFriend is talking to me.  No speaking required.  Thousands of five minute conversations with the people I love.


i know you think you know but you probably don’t know

12 01 2010

I have this strange urge to tell people little quirks about me.  Not because I am proud of the quirks.  Actually, it’s more because I am ashamed of them and want to get them out in the open.  As a way of saying, “This is me.  I know it’s not great but here it is, take it as it is or run away now.”  And I’m understanding when they choose the latter.  They’ve chosen the latter more than I care to remember.

I think I like to do it this way because I am very uncomfortable pretending not to be weird.  I am just kind of a weird person and for me to act like I’m not causes extreme misunderstanding for everyone involved, and also sweaty palms for me.  So if I shake your hand and immediately tell you that I do not like to open or drain cans of tuna, please process that as “Hi! I want us to be friends! Let’s be honest with each other.” instead of “Hi! I am a little off and have a problem with boundaries!”

Truthfully, maybe I do have a problem with boundaries.  But maybe you do, too.  Maybe the whole goddamn world does.  Maybe our problem is those boundaries we’ve created.  Don’t you think it’d be easier to know people and interact with each other if we were all up front about our strange issues?  Fuckin’ A right it would.

I would have absolutely loved to know that one of my ex-boyfriends was into golden showers right at the get-go.  Or at least sometime shortly after the get-go.  Would’ve saved me three years of relationship life that I’ll never get back.  Perhaps that is an extreme example.  But you see my point, no?

Yes, I see that getting to know all those little things about someone is part of the fun of… getting to know them.  But can’t we just start getting to know each other sooner?  I am getting too old to wait.  So are you.

Here I am, world.  I am weird.  I just… am.

I get mad when someone takes the first sip of my drink.

I don’t really enjoy talking while riding in a car.

I tend to blather on and on when I’m nervous.

I don’t want to hug you if I’ve known you less than three years and sometimes don’t ever want to hug you if our hugs don’t mesh well.

I freak out (internally) when people are visiting my home.

I offer my quirks to the receiver as both an apology and a plea:  I’m sorry that these are my things.  I can’t change them.  They are as me as my skin and bones.  Maybe they are my skin and bones.  Could you love me despite them?  Better yet, could you love me because of them?

upwards craving dogface pose. or something.

5 01 2010

So hi! Happy New Year to you! Look at me gettin’ all exclamatory in 2010!


I’ve never really been big on New Year’s Resolutions because I’ve never needed to lose weight.

Ha! Hahaha! Okay, that was a mean joke. I truly applaud you if you’re using the start of a new year to get motivated to shed those unwanted pounds. But really– I’ve never done a New Year’s Resolution. I think I decided to give one a shot this year (but ask me again on February 1).

You know, my life underwent some really drastic changes in 2009. I mean, I gave up my Coca-Cola habit! And since I’m still having aftershocks from my personal earthquakes, I needed to make my 2010 resolution something easy, something that doesn’t add stress to my life.

So I decided I’m going to give yoga the old college try this year.

Mainly, I hope to have yoga as A Thing That I Can Do By Myself.  Moms don’t get very many of those things, you see.  Most of the time, even embarrassing things like bladder drainage and de-hairing appendages don’t fall into that blessed category.  And this is something that I just really accepted about myself late this year:  I need time to myself.  I need silence.  I crave these things.  I am solitary by nature and when I get all wound up because I haven’t had any downtime in days, the people around me suffer.  My requirement for time alone was, is, a hard thing for me to admit because who wants to say that??  What Mom or Wife wants to say, “Look, dudes, I just need to get away from you for a while.”  It has too much possibility to hurt feelings.  But there it is.  I need time to myself to decompress, lest I behead everyone I love with my razor-sharp and red-hot sword of a tongue.

I’ll admit: My body is part of the reason I want to start yoga this year.  While not overflowing with excess weight, is just not quite as toned as it used to be.  I spent my tweens and early teen years as a Gymnast, a Cowgirl, and The Girl Who Held Records For Jumping (Length & Height).  So, you know, I had muscles.  Well-defined and toned muscles.  Now all I have is… a lack of fat.  And I want my toned bendiness back!  I want to be able to tickle your neck, Dear Reader– while you’re sitting on a beach in California– with my toes, from here in Maryland while I’m holding an Upwards Craving Dogface pose.  Or something.

I’ve been reading up a little on yoga before I dive (bend?) in and came across a list of names of yoga poses/postures.  And,  wow!  There are some really awesome pose names that just make yoga sound like a whole lotta fun: Posture of the Infinite.  Half Moon.  Corpse Pose.  Lord of the Fishes! Who doesn’t want to be a Lord of the Fishes?!?!

So, wish me luck and watch out for my toes creeping up behind you and a distant voice giggling, “Posture of the Infinite, muthafucka!”