20 07 2010

Last night I was putting my kids to bed and they were displeased with me for that. They staged a coup and I nearly ended up incarcerated.

OK, that’s an exaggeration, but it had the neighbors huddled and whispering to each other on their driveways.

Backstory:  My kids and I do yoga together four or five times a week. In the DVD we use to guide us through, it starts with the Corpse Pose. It involves lying on your back (and that’s about it) (it’s a very easy yoga DVD) (shut up, I get my real exercise elsewhere).

So I’m tucking my heathens into bed and they’re all rambunctious, resisting my efforts to duct tape them to the mattress tuck them in, and I have to get a little stern. “Lay. Down.”

My son, ever the smart-ass and quite an opportunist, squints his eyes at me and starts screaming at the top of his lungs, “No Mommy! Don’t make me do the Corpse Pose! No Mommy! Please, not the Corpse Pose!” and so on and so forth until his little sister joins in, except she’s two so her pseudo-protests are just high-pitched, unintelligible shrieking and it’s all flowing out the open windows and into our quiet suburban neighborhood and now not only am I the young, unwed, tattooed, purple-haired mother that all the middle-aged frumpalicious moms in this ‘hood already despised, but now I’m the young, unwed, tattooed, purple-haired freak mom who makes her kids fold themselves into a casket at bedtime every night.

On the bright side, I bet you they won’t ask me to join the PTA this year.

One of the benefits of living with a teen… Wait. Scratch that– The only benefit of living with a teen is that they will shamelessly whore themselves out in return for something they want. As a prime example of this, I simply waved a new version of World of Warcraft in front of my teen sister’s face in order to secure a date to see the new Zac Efron movie (“Charlie St. Cloud”) when it comes out. Her being a teen is my “in” to seeing that glorious piece of boy-candy in his latest feature; Without her there I’m the creepy “old” lady ogling a shirtless high-schooler on the big screen, but with her there I’m simply taking my teen sister to see her Hollywood crush.

This is likely the first time ever since its development that World of Warcraft has helped make someone appear less creepy.

Quote from Taylor that I cannot wait to use to embarrass him when he has his first girlfriend over: “When people kiss on TV, it makes me wanna hold my junk.”



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