i put the FUN in funeral (again)

6 10 2010

You’d think me giving you four solid ideas for ways to dispose of my decaying corpse in lieu of a typical boring funeral would be enough, but apparently not.  My twisted imagination doth not cease.

Last time, I made my “funeral” fun for you, because I’m selfless, or will be when I’m dead.  But this, the sequel, is a “do in death what I could not accomplish in life” version.  What I’m saying is, these ideas are things that will both get rid of the body and help me check things off my life list.  If you’ll be so kind to help my deceased person in the following ambitious endeavors, I’d appreciate it as much as the deceased can appreciate anything.  Read the rest of this entry »


the douchenozzle test: make them uncomfy

17 09 2010

I was at Dunkin Donuts the other day and an older lady, probably about 55, was behind me in line.  She tapped me on the shoulder and when I turned and said “Hi?” with a smile, she said, “Why would you go and have pink hair?” with an ugly condescending tone and matching scowl.

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one week down, and no one died unless you count my tolerance for humans

7 09 2010

So.  I officially started school full-time last week.  Are you sick of hearing about this yet?  Well then come back in four years.

I like school, I really do.  I am good at learning and homework and it’s fun/interesting to me.

However, the people make me want to go on a murderous rampage.  (But not on school grounds.  That would be totally unoriginal, ya know?) My professors range from pretty chill to highly awesome, so that’s nice, but my classmates inspire me to become a doctor who specializes in reproductive sterilization.

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i put the FUN in funeral

23 07 2010

Let’s talk about what is going to happen in the event of my death.  No, I am not dying tomorrow.  I’ll be 27 in a month though, and it is possible I will die shortly after that.  When I die, it is (obviously) up to someone else to handle my death party.  I do want my dear friends and family to be able to have some fun with my corpse– Let’s just get all the necrophilia jokes out of the way now.  You done?  Thanks. –before I start to decompose.  Assuming my body is in one piece (because I’d like to go out in a way that leaves me mangled, but that’s a post for a different day), there are many fun things you can do with a body before it gets too rank.  Let’s discuss…

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on early failures

7 05 2010

This morning.

Me:  “Child!  Let’s get a move on!  You’re going to miss the bus!”

Him, from behind closed bathroom door:  “I’m pooping.  It won’t stop!”

Me:  “… Ooookay.  Just, try and hurry.”

(… We miss the school bus.)

Him, woefully from the backseat:  “My goal in life was to not let shit ever slow me down, and I just failed.”

Five Star Friday

is it just me?

23 02 2010

Every time I am driving under an overpass and there is someone walking or standing on the overpass above me, I gulp, hit the gas, mutter “please don’t please don’t” — and try to get out from under them as quickly as possible.

I’m always worried the person is a Jumper and is going to leap to their demise right in front of – or on top of – my car.

Because I’m not really sure if my insurance would cover that and yeesh, what a hassle that would be.  Also?  Messy.  Oh, and sad, because tragedy etcetera etcetera, but yeah.  Messy hassle.

Two questions:  A.)  Exactly how bad of a person does this make me?  and 2.)  Anyone else have this (or another) somewhat-irrational worry?

assuaging my american guilt

25 11 2009

The other day my mom asked me what time we should do our Thanksgiving festivities.  I say, Maybe three o’clock?  That way the kids are all lethargic from the tryptophan all evening and will chill out  instead of the normal screaming-heathen routine.  Then she tells me that the tryptophan thing has been scientifically proven to be false.  Turns out that we get all drowsy because we just ate 27 pounds of food.

First of all: whoa.  That study sounds like an excuse for some labcoat guys to overeat and lie around.  Do they really get paid to study that??  Those labcoat guys could be studying something useful, like sustainable agriculture or why Kirsten Dunst is a such a bad actress.

Secondly: not cool, labcoat guys, not cool — You just took away my foolproof excuse to be a total lazy fatass on Thanksgiving.

I mean sure, I’ll probably still do the total lazy fatass thing on Thanksgiving, but now I’ll feel (a very tiny bit) guilty about it.  Before, I had a scientific reason to be on the couch for nine hours at a stretch, and now all I can blame is my American upbringing!  Which, I am totally not bagging on American upbringings.  Well maybe a little but that does not mean I am not still totally in love with our lifestyle of excess.  Does it suck that there are millions of starving people in the world?  Yes.  But I can’t feel TOO guilty about it because I had no choice in where I was born.  I am the privileged sperm of a privileged sperm of a privilege sperm.  So:  A.) Not my fault, and  2.) Thanks Great Grandpa Seamus! Sorry the boat ride sucked!

But I digress.

Of course I am thankful we will have an assload of food to eat tomorrow, even if the food won’t drug my children to give me a couple hours of peace and quiet.  Maybe as a gesture of my sympathy for those who aren’t so lucky, I will roast a couple of the labcoat guys on a spit, box ’em up and send ’em over to the eternally starving millions.  If we did that with all the overpaid, useless people here in America, it would bring an end to world hunger!